THE CHRISTMAS THAT NOBODY YELLED by Jill Bernard

THE CHRISTMAS THAT NOBODY YELLED by Jill Bernard


It was Christmas Day and everyone was at Grandmother's house.
Uncle Al and Auntie Kathie, and Christina and Tyler.
Aunt Beth and Uncle Don, and Jake and Brianna and baby Sam.
Grandmother was there, and Mommy and Daddy and me, too.
It was the Christmas that nobody yelled.

Jake thought about yelling when Tyler punched his arm, but then he realized Tyler only punched him because he wasn't good at saying, "Hello, Cousin Jake, how are you?" So he said, "Hello, Cousin Tyler, how are you?' and didn't yell at all. Then he walked away from Tyler and gave him some time to calm down and get used to being at Grandmother's house.

Grandmother thought about yelling when Auntie Kathie said, "Oh, is that gravy out of a jar?" but then she thought maybe Auntie Kathie wasn't being snobby, maybe she was genuinely curious. Maybe she'd never seen gravy in a jar.

Aunt Beth thought about yelling because she left the potatoes in the car, and Uncle Don was still out there. Then she realized Uncle Don probably wouldn't be able to hear her, she'd only be making a big loud noise for nothing. So she waited until Uncle Don got all the way into the house, and then asked him to go back for the potatoes. He thought about yelling, "GET THEM YOURSELF!" but he noticed she'd already taken off her shoes, so he went back to the car and got them without yelling.

Uncle Al wanted to turn on the football game and yell at the TV, but then he remembered he set the DVR before he left the house, and he had SMS updates coming to his phone, so maybe it would be okay to pay attention to his family just this once, and let the game wait until later.

My daddy thought about yelling "AL! YOU OLD SO AND SO! HOW ARE YOU?" and pounding Uncle Al on the arm. Then he remembered that he was inside a house, and he could speak at a nice inside-the-house level. He still wanted Uncle Al to know that he was glad to see him, though, so he gave Uncle Al a big hug and patted him on the back.

Christina felt like yelling, and almost did, when Brianna pulled on her hair. She changed her mind at the last minute, and said, in a calm voice, "Brianna, that hurts, please stop doing that." Brianna felt like yelling, "NO I DON'T WANT TO STOP!" but Christina had a clever idea, and put a jump rope over her head. "Here, Brianna, pull my fake braids!" Brianna pulled the jump rope instead of Christina's real hair, and it didn't hurt at all. Brianna thought that was okay, but she was a little disappointed. She liked hurting people. Nobody quite knew why. I think it's because she's still sad that she's not the baby of her family anymore. She's sad that no one makes a big fuss about her, they all squeal over baby Sam. That's why I made her a special card with sparkles and a picture of a pony to go with her Christmas present. Shh! Don't tell her.

Grandmother thought about yelling when Auntie Kathie said, "Oh, are those artificial flowers?" She was beginning to see a pattern, though. She realized Auntie Kathie really liked finding things that other people did wrong in her opinion and commenting on them in a nice voice so that she didn't seem mean. When Grandmother realized that she only felt sorry that Auntie Kathie had to push other people down to feel good about herself. "There, there, Kathie," she said, and gave her a hug. Auntie Kathie was confused.

Tyler thought about yelling when he counted the Christmas presents and noticed Christina had more presents than he did. He was really angry! He didn't think Christina was more special than he was, why should she get more presents? He tried to stay calm, and he said to Grandmother, "Christina has more presents than me!" Grandmother said, "Do you see that big package in the corner that says 'To Tyler'? That present is so special that it's worth three presents. So really you have more, but don't tell Christina, you'll make her feel bad."

Auntie Kathie felt like yelling when she noticed Grandmother had candy dishes everywhere. She only wanted the kids to eat healthy snacks, but there was Christina with a handful of chocolates. In a flash of insight she realized she could not control every house her children would enter, and she could only do her best to teach them to make good choices. "Christina, we're eating dinner in a minute, do you think it's a good idea to eat chocolates right now? " Auntie Kathie said in a calm voice. Christina was a smart girl, who'd studied nutrition in school. "No, mom," she said. She put the chocolates down. She was a little sad because she really wanted chocolates, but she knew they'd still be there when dinner was over, because Grandmother always had plenty of chocolates.

Grandmother almost yelled "SOMEONE HELP ME SET THE TABLE!" but just then Mommy and Aunt Beth poked their heads in the kitchen and said, "Can we help?" Grandmother got them started and they set the table in no time. Grandmother almost felt like yelling again when she dropped the bowl she was going to put the green beans in and it broke. Then she noticed Brianna was standing right there, and she looked scared. When the bowl broke, it frightened her. Grandmother knew that if she started yelling it would probably make Brianna cry, so instead she said, "It's all right, Brianna, go back in the living room." Uncle Don poked his head in. "Is everything okay in here?" Grandmother said, "I just broke a bowl." Uncle Don shooed Brianna back into the living room and helped Grandmother clean up the broken bowl. "Stupid bowl," Grandmother said. "There, there, mom," Uncle Don said, and gave her a hug because he could tell she was upset.

We finally all sat down to the dinner table and began to eat. At the kid's table we were quiet because Christina taught us a whisper game called Telephone. Christina whispered a word to me, and I whispered what I thought she said to Tyler. Tyler whispered to Jake what he thought I said, Jake whispered it to Brianna, and Brianna said it out loud: "I like oranges fine." "No, I said 'It's obviously Christmastime'," Christina said. We all laughed because it was so mixed up…but we didn't yell.

The adults didn't yell because Grandmother was telling a story about the first Christmas she and Grandfather had spent together. It was a great story, they didn't have enough money for presents so Grandfather made Grandmother a necklace out of an old rubber hose and they pretended like it was the most glamorous jewelry in the world. Uncle Al almost yelled when he wanted the butter. He just asked Auntie Kathie instead , and Auntie Kathie asked Uncle Don to pass it, and he did.

After dinner, everyone helped clear the table, then we gathered in the living room to open presents. We kids were really excited, we all wanted to yell. We didn't have to yell, though, because the presents were all laid out for us in piles, and we got to open them right away. Everyone loved their presents!

Brianna looked like she was about to yell, because the whole thing was getting very overwhelming. There were so many people and everyone was opening packages, and even though nobody was yelling, it was getting a little loud. Aunt Beth noticed Brianna, and said, "Come here, sweetie." She let Brianna sit on her lap and cuddle for a while, just to calm down.

Tyler wanted to yell when he opened his package from Grandmother and it was exactly what he wanted. He didn't have to yell, though, because Grandmother was standing right next to him. He gave her a hug and said, "Thanks Grandmother!"

Mommy almost yelled when I forgot to say thank you to Uncle Al and Auntie Kathie for the beautiful dollhouse. It was so beautiful that I could barely remember my name, let alone my manners. "Don't worry about it, Melissa," Uncle Al said to Mommy. "The look on her face is thanks enough."

After we kids opened all our presents we went into Grandmother's guest room to play with them. The adults all opened their presents. No one yelled, because honestly, they were getting a little tired. It was a little late. It was time to go.

Uncle Al almost yelled because he wanted the kids to get their boots and coats on, but they were still in the other room. At the last minute, he realized he could just walk into the other room and tell them. His doctor would be proud of him for getting the extra exercise, he thought to himself.

Grandmother just about yelled when she noticed someone had spilled juice on the carpet and not mentioned it to anyone, but then she remembered it was Christmas, a time of joy and happiness, and yelling never brings anyone joy or happiness, plus yelling sure doesn't wipe up a juice stain.

Aunt Beth almost yelled when they were halfway home and she realized she forgot the potato pan. But then she thought better of it, and decided to call Grandmother when she got home and ask her to hang on to it.

The greatest miracle of all was that Baby Sam slept through the whole thing and didn't yell at all.

What should I do about Saturday night?

OK so. Nick can't play his shows on Saturday so I said I'd play them.  Then, I was supposed to go to the opera tonight, but Nate was sick so I played his show and I was going to move my opera ticket to Saturday.  So I said I couldn't play Nick's shows. And then I realized I could go to the opera on Sunday so I said I *could* play his shows.  Then Troy said he really needs the money so he should get to play Nick's shows.  So I said ok because while we're both unemployed, Troy is MORE unemployed.  So I have Saturday night free and I could go see Colleen in RENT but even if I lie and say I'm a student it's $18 plus the cost of the HourCar I'd have to RENT to get to see RENT (ha ha) because it is in St. Cloud.  And that sounds like a great plan, except that I am the aformentioned almost unemployed so that seems like an extravagance.  I don't know what to do, that's what I'm saying.  Should I go see RENT?  It has Colleen in it.  Plus that song about living in A-MER-I-CAAA....

hostage account

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/18/world/asia/18hostage.html?partner=rss&emc=rss

VIEWPOINTS ELEMENTS INTENSIVE WITH DAVE RAZOWSKY

VIEWPOINTS ELEMENTS INTENSIVE WITH DAVE RAZOWSKY

While teaching for Chicago's Steppenwolf Theatre School, Second City veteran David Razowksy was exposed to - and inspired by - the power Anne Bogart and Tina Landau's Viewpoints training, and immediately saw how the tools of Viewpoints play in improv theatre.

Razowksy's Viewpoints Elements will focus the improvisational actor to spontaneously respond through compulsion rather than what choice is "right or wrong." The actor will learn the power of working from impulse and true-play in the present moment.

Date: November 7 & 8, 11AM-4PM each day.
Location: TBA
Cost: $150
Register: http://tinyurl.com/razowsky

David Razowksy is the respected teacher and former artistic director of the Second City Los Angeles. As an actor, he has written and performed in ten Second City Chicago revues and worked in ensembles with Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Jeff Garlin and Amy Sedaris, among others. David directed Second City Chicago Mainstage's No Seriously, We're All Gonna Die, Second City LA's Encino Evil, The Second City Untitled Project, The Second City Detroit's acclaimed 19th Nervous Breakdown, and The Second City National Touring Company. He teaches at Theatre Asylum and iO West in Los Angeles.

Workshops by me in Washington DC this Sunday!

BIO: Jill Bernard has been performing with ComedySportz-Twin Cities since 1993. Her one-woman improv piece, Drum Machine, has been performed in Chicago, Toronto, Miami, Philly, and New York. She has taught and performed improv in Norway, Canada, and over twenty-five of these United States. More info: http://jillbernard3.blogspot.com/

She will be coming to DC this Sunday October 11 to teach two workshops. Each workshop will cost $25 or $40 for both. Payment must be made in person by cash or check before the class.

Location: The Studio School at 1301 V St NW is located at the corner of 13th and V Sts, NW - one block north of U Street-Cardozo Metro Station (13th Street exit).

Questions: topher@washingtonimprovtheater.com or 202-204-7772

Register here: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=tvn0_2bSJ3GZ0O40Uk9Wai7g_3d_3d

ComedySportz 20th Anniversary

This weekend, September 24th-September 26th, is ComedySportz-Twin Cities' 20th Anniversary. I'll be playing in all five shows - Thursday 8PM, Friday & Saturday 8PM & 10:30PM. All shows feature retired players returning, including Victor Varnado a stand-up comedian and actor who’s appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and Premium Blend; Rich Kronfeld of the television show Let’s Bowl and the film Trekkies; Todd Price, accompanist to local pageant queen of comedy Miss Richfield 1981 and Brian Kelly of Triple Espresso, as well as fan favorites Jason Laflin, Mikey Heinrich, Kevin Gilbertson, and Nancy McBride. Thursday is “ComedySportz Day in Minneapolis,” show at 8:00pm. Saturday at 8:00pm ComedySportz founder Dick Chudnow will visit.

Please come, I would love to see your smiling faces. Details here: http://www.comedysportztc.com/

Thanks!

Celebrate 20 Years of ComedySportz Twin Cities!

Celebrate 20 Years of ComedySportz Twin Cities!

Mayor R.T. Rybak names "ComedySportz Day" in Minneapolis

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - The City of Minneapolis and Mayor R.T. Rybak will honor ComedySportz Twin Cities this year by proclaiming September 24th "ComedySportz Day" in Minneapolis. This proclamation recognizes its years of making the metro area laugh, and it comes the same year that ComedySportz is celebrating a major milestone – 20 years of laughter!

ComedySportz began its Minneapolis run in 1989 at the Nankin Restaurant in downtown Minneapolis. After bouncing around to different performance spaces for a few years, ComedySportz finally moved to its first permanent home at 1414 West 28^th Street in the trendy Uptown neighborhood in 1992. In 2003, ComedySportz moved again; this time just a few blocks south to a beautiful 230-seat theater inside Calhoun Square. ComedySportz has performed more than 6000 shows and produced countless comedy professionals – including comedy writer Colton Dunn (MadTV) and actor, writer, producer Nick Swardson (Reno 911, Grandma’s Boy).

While performing is central to ComedySportz, it's also known for educating students all over the metro – young and old. Through the ComedySportz High School League, our performers are able to visit schools and to help young people develop skills – listening, team work, risk-taking, creativity - that are both essential to improv and life. ComedySportz also holds improv classes for adults at our theater and provides workshops for local businesses and corporations throughout the year.

ComedySportz has long been a fixture of the Twin Cities nightlife and now its relationship with the area is being recognized. To celebrate, we are holding a weekend of special shows September 24^th – 26^th in honor of the first ever "ComedySportz Day" in Minneapolis and our 20 year anniversary! Past and present performers will bring laughter to our theater in ComedySportz matches, with cake at intermission. We invite you to help us celebrate!

A trip to ComedySportz is fun for the whole family. Based on audience suggestions, two teams of actors create original comedy scenes and games. Audience members can even volunteer to come onstage and be part of the show.

ComedySportz was founded in 1984 by Dick Chudnow in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Since then it has grown to over 20 cities in the U.S. and Europe. ComedySportz Twin Cities is located on the 2^nd floor of Calhoun Square in Uptown Minneapolis. Performances happen weekly on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights at 8:00 PM, as well as Saturday nights at 10:30 PM. ComedySportz, Twin Cities is owned and managed by Mary Strutzel and Doug Ocar.

www.comedysportztc.com

For more information, images, or to schedule cast appearances/interviews, please contact Doug Neithercott at 612-870-1230, or info@comedysportztc.com. Show images are also available for viewing/download http: tinyurl.com/comedysportztc caption: Mike Hadley, James Moore and Mary Strutzel sing their hearts out to win points and laughs in ComedySportz, the competitive improv show.

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LISTINGS SUMMARY:

ComedySportz 20^th Anniversary

Where: ComedySportz, 3001 Hennepin Ave S in Calhoun Square, Uptown, Minneapolis

When: Ongoing, Thursday at 8:00pm, Friday and Saturday at 8:00pm and 10:30pm. All shows Sept 24^th-26^th feature retired players returning. Thursday Sept 24 is “ComedySportz Day in Minneapolis” show at 8:00pm. Saturday at 8:00pm ComedySportz founder Dick Chudnow will visit.

For Tickets: call 612-870-1230.

Thursday, 8pm: $10/$8 students and kids

Friday, 8pm: $12/$8 kids

Friday, 10:30pm: $12/$10 student

Saturday, 8pm: $12

Saturday, 10:30pm: $12/$10 student/$8 kids

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