THE CHRISTMAS THAT NOBODY YELLED by Jill Bernard

THE CHRISTMAS THAT NOBODY YELLED by Jill Bernard


It was Christmas Day and everyone was at Grandmother's house.
Uncle Al and Auntie Kathie, and Christina and Tyler.
Aunt Beth and Uncle Don, and Jake and Brianna and baby Sam.
Grandmother was there, and Mommy and Daddy and me, too.
It was the Christmas that nobody yelled.

Jake thought about yelling when Tyler punched his arm, but then he realized Tyler only punched him because he wasn't good at saying, "Hello, Cousin Jake, how are you?" So he said, "Hello, Cousin Tyler, how are you?' and didn't yell at all. Then he walked away from Tyler and gave him some time to calm down and get used to being at Grandmother's house.

Grandmother thought about yelling when Auntie Kathie said, "Oh, is that gravy out of a jar?" but then she thought maybe Auntie Kathie wasn't being snobby, maybe she was genuinely curious. Maybe she'd never seen gravy in a jar.

Aunt Beth thought about yelling because she left the potatoes in the car, and Uncle Don was still out there. Then she realized Uncle Don probably wouldn't be able to hear her, she'd only be making a big loud noise for nothing. So she waited until Uncle Don got all the way into the house, and then asked him to go back for the potatoes. He thought about yelling, "GET THEM YOURSELF!" but he noticed she'd already taken off her shoes, so he went back to the car and got them without yelling.

Uncle Al wanted to turn on the football game and yell at the TV, but then he remembered he set the DVR before he left the house, and he had SMS updates coming to his phone, so maybe it would be okay to pay attention to his family just this once, and let the game wait until later.

My daddy thought about yelling "AL! YOU OLD SO AND SO! HOW ARE YOU?" and pounding Uncle Al on the arm. Then he remembered that he was inside a house, and he could speak at a nice inside-the-house level. He still wanted Uncle Al to know that he was glad to see him, though, so he gave Uncle Al a big hug and patted him on the back.

Christina felt like yelling, and almost did, when Brianna pulled on her hair. She changed her mind at the last minute, and said, in a calm voice, "Brianna, that hurts, please stop doing that." Brianna felt like yelling, "NO I DON'T WANT TO STOP!" but Christina had a clever idea, and put a jump rope over her head. "Here, Brianna, pull my fake braids!" Brianna pulled the jump rope instead of Christina's real hair, and it didn't hurt at all. Brianna thought that was okay, but she was a little disappointed. She liked hurting people. Nobody quite knew why. I think it's because she's still sad that she's not the baby of her family anymore. She's sad that no one makes a big fuss about her, they all squeal over baby Sam. That's why I made her a special card with sparkles and a picture of a pony to go with her Christmas present. Shh! Don't tell her.

Grandmother thought about yelling when Auntie Kathie said, "Oh, are those artificial flowers?" She was beginning to see a pattern, though. She realized Auntie Kathie really liked finding things that other people did wrong in her opinion and commenting on them in a nice voice so that she didn't seem mean. When Grandmother realized that she only felt sorry that Auntie Kathie had to push other people down to feel good about herself. "There, there, Kathie," she said, and gave her a hug. Auntie Kathie was confused.

Tyler thought about yelling when he counted the Christmas presents and noticed Christina had more presents than he did. He was really angry! He didn't think Christina was more special than he was, why should she get more presents? He tried to stay calm, and he said to Grandmother, "Christina has more presents than me!" Grandmother said, "Do you see that big package in the corner that says 'To Tyler'? That present is so special that it's worth three presents. So really you have more, but don't tell Christina, you'll make her feel bad."

Auntie Kathie felt like yelling when she noticed Grandmother had candy dishes everywhere. She only wanted the kids to eat healthy snacks, but there was Christina with a handful of chocolates. In a flash of insight she realized she could not control every house her children would enter, and she could only do her best to teach them to make good choices. "Christina, we're eating dinner in a minute, do you think it's a good idea to eat chocolates right now? " Auntie Kathie said in a calm voice. Christina was a smart girl, who'd studied nutrition in school. "No, mom," she said. She put the chocolates down. She was a little sad because she really wanted chocolates, but she knew they'd still be there when dinner was over, because Grandmother always had plenty of chocolates.

Grandmother almost yelled "SOMEONE HELP ME SET THE TABLE!" but just then Mommy and Aunt Beth poked their heads in the kitchen and said, "Can we help?" Grandmother got them started and they set the table in no time. Grandmother almost felt like yelling again when she dropped the bowl she was going to put the green beans in and it broke. Then she noticed Brianna was standing right there, and she looked scared. When the bowl broke, it frightened her. Grandmother knew that if she started yelling it would probably make Brianna cry, so instead she said, "It's all right, Brianna, go back in the living room." Uncle Don poked his head in. "Is everything okay in here?" Grandmother said, "I just broke a bowl." Uncle Don shooed Brianna back into the living room and helped Grandmother clean up the broken bowl. "Stupid bowl," Grandmother said. "There, there, mom," Uncle Don said, and gave her a hug because he could tell she was upset.

We finally all sat down to the dinner table and began to eat. At the kid's table we were quiet because Christina taught us a whisper game called Telephone. Christina whispered a word to me, and I whispered what I thought she said to Tyler. Tyler whispered to Jake what he thought I said, Jake whispered it to Brianna, and Brianna said it out loud: "I like oranges fine." "No, I said 'It's obviously Christmastime'," Christina said. We all laughed because it was so mixed up…but we didn't yell.

The adults didn't yell because Grandmother was telling a story about the first Christmas she and Grandfather had spent together. It was a great story, they didn't have enough money for presents so Grandfather made Grandmother a necklace out of an old rubber hose and they pretended like it was the most glamorous jewelry in the world. Uncle Al almost yelled when he wanted the butter. He just asked Auntie Kathie instead , and Auntie Kathie asked Uncle Don to pass it, and he did.

After dinner, everyone helped clear the table, then we gathered in the living room to open presents. We kids were really excited, we all wanted to yell. We didn't have to yell, though, because the presents were all laid out for us in piles, and we got to open them right away. Everyone loved their presents!

Brianna looked like she was about to yell, because the whole thing was getting very overwhelming. There were so many people and everyone was opening packages, and even though nobody was yelling, it was getting a little loud. Aunt Beth noticed Brianna, and said, "Come here, sweetie." She let Brianna sit on her lap and cuddle for a while, just to calm down.

Tyler wanted to yell when he opened his package from Grandmother and it was exactly what he wanted. He didn't have to yell, though, because Grandmother was standing right next to him. He gave her a hug and said, "Thanks Grandmother!"

Mommy almost yelled when I forgot to say thank you to Uncle Al and Auntie Kathie for the beautiful dollhouse. It was so beautiful that I could barely remember my name, let alone my manners. "Don't worry about it, Melissa," Uncle Al said to Mommy. "The look on her face is thanks enough."

After we kids opened all our presents we went into Grandmother's guest room to play with them. The adults all opened their presents. No one yelled, because honestly, they were getting a little tired. It was a little late. It was time to go.

Uncle Al almost yelled because he wanted the kids to get their boots and coats on, but they were still in the other room. At the last minute, he realized he could just walk into the other room and tell them. His doctor would be proud of him for getting the extra exercise, he thought to himself.

Grandmother just about yelled when she noticed someone had spilled juice on the carpet and not mentioned it to anyone, but then she remembered it was Christmas, a time of joy and happiness, and yelling never brings anyone joy or happiness, plus yelling sure doesn't wipe up a juice stain.

Aunt Beth almost yelled when they were halfway home and she realized she forgot the potato pan. But then she thought better of it, and decided to call Grandmother when she got home and ask her to hang on to it.

The greatest miracle of all was that Baby Sam slept through the whole thing and didn't yell at all.

What should I do about Saturday night?

OK so. Nick can't play his shows on Saturday so I said I'd play them.  Then, I was supposed to go to the opera tonight, but Nate was sick so I played his show and I was going to move my opera ticket to Saturday.  So I said I couldn't play Nick's shows. And then I realized I could go to the opera on Sunday so I said I *could* play his shows.  Then Troy said he really needs the money so he should get to play Nick's shows.  So I said ok because while we're both unemployed, Troy is MORE unemployed.  So I have Saturday night free and I could go see Colleen in RENT but even if I lie and say I'm a student it's $18 plus the cost of the HourCar I'd have to RENT to get to see RENT (ha ha) because it is in St. Cloud.  And that sounds like a great plan, except that I am the aformentioned almost unemployed so that seems like an extravagance.  I don't know what to do, that's what I'm saying.  Should I go see RENT?  It has Colleen in it.  Plus that song about living in A-MER-I-CAAA....